Jerry Clower Jokes
In reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks,”And why don’t you get me a whisky you bitch.”
The stewardess, flustered by the parrot’s outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man’s cup of coffee. As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, “And get me another whisky you slut.”
Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot’s whisky but still no coffee for the man. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, “I’ve asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you to get it for me right now or I’m going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours!”
Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards.
Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says, “For someone who can’t fly, you sure are a lippy bastard… “
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Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take off a fat little Israeli guy got on and tookthe aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “I think I’ll go up and get a coke.”"No problem,” said the Israeli. “I’ll get it for you.”
While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli’s shoe and spat in it.When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, “That looks good. I think I’ll have one too.” Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the other Arab picked up the other shoe and spat in it.
The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.”How long must this go on?” he asked. “This enmity between our peoples….. this hatred… this animosity… this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”
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A seventy-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, shaking and sobbing. A young man walks by and asks him, “What seems to be the problem?” Through his tears the old man answers, “I’m in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman.” “What’s wrong with that?” asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, “You don’t understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunch time she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love.” The old man breaks down, sobbing, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. “I don’t understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?” The senile old man answers, again through his tears, “I forgot where I live.”
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A ship goes out to sea and sinks in a storm. Six people (5 men and 1 woman) survive by using a raft to float to a deserted island.
After spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely; extremely horny. They all come to an agreement: each man will marry the woman for a week. The first man has her for one week, then the second man has her for the second week, and so on.
Everyone will now be getting their needs filled. This goes on for two years and everyone is happy with the plan.. Each man gets sex every fifth week and the woman gets a great variety of delights.
A few weeks into the third year, the woman suddenly dies. Needless to say, the first week is pretty bad, the second week is worse, the third week it’s nearly unbearable, the fourth week things are bad beyond words. The fifth week it is just awful. In fact it’s getting so bad that on the sixth week…. They bury her.
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A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europefor three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supplyboat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London.
The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on hisfeet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down.Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.
“Could I please sit in that seat” he asked. The lady was insulted. “You Americans are so rude.” she said, “Can’t you see my dog is sitting there?”
He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.
“Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home- so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down.” he said.
The lady replied “You Americans are not only rude, you are arrogant.”
He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said “Lady, I’ve been onthe front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?
“The lady replied “You Americans are not only rude and arrogant.You are also obnoxious.”
With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down.The lady wasspeechless.
An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. “Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady’s description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.”
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