Fag Joke Sites
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, “Hey, let’s take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door.”
So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, “Who is it?”
“Blind man!”
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, “He’s blind, he can’t see. What could it hurt.” They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, “Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?”
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A man who was driving a car with his wife was stopped by a police officer. The following exchange took place.
The man says, “What’s the problem, officer?”
Officer: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.”
Man: “No sir, I was going 65.”
Wife: “Oh, Harry. You were going 80.” (The man gave his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight. “
Man: “Broken taillight? I didn’t know about a broken taillight!”
Wife: “Oh Harry, you’ve known about that taillight for weeks.” (The man gave his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.”
Man: “Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”
Wife: “Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.”
The man turned to his wife and yelled, “SHUT YOUR MOUTH!”
The officer turned to the woman and asked, “Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?”
The wife said, “No, only when he’s drunk.”
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A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new “city” outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and, when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, “Yes ma’am. Ya see, I’m from Texas and I want to buy a complete city outfit.”
Her eyes lit up as she asked, “Where would you like to start?”
“Well, ma’am, how about a suit?”
“Yes sir. What size?”
“Size 53 tall, ma’am.”
“Wow, that’s really big.”
“Yes ma’am, they really grow them big in Texas.”
“What’s next?” she asked.
He replied, “How about some shoes?”
“What size?”
“Size 15 double D.”
“Wow, that’s really big!”
“Yes ma’am. They really grow them big in Texas.”
“What’s next?”
“Well, I reckon I’ll need a shirt.”
“Yes sir. What size?”
“Nineteen and a half neck, size 38,” he replied.
“Wow, that’s really big!” “Yes ma’am. They really grow them big in Texas.”
“Will there be anything else?” she asked.
“Yes ma’am. I spect I’ll need a hat.”
“Yes sir. What size?”
“Eight and five-eighths.”
“Wow, that’s really big!”
“Yes ma’am. They really grow them big in Texas.”
She virtually glowed as she asked, “Is there anything else I can do for you?”
“No ma’am , I reckon that will be all.”
As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as the Texan counted out his money, she blushed and asked, “Sir, could I ask you a question?”
“Yes ma’am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches.”
Astonished, she blurted out, “Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!”
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, “From the floor, ma’am?”
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A woman desperately looking for work went into a factory. The personnel manager looked over her resume and regretfully explained to her that he had nothing worthy of her talents. The woman answered that she really needed work and would take almost anything. The personnel manager hemmed and hawed and finally said that he did have a low-skill job on the Tickle Me Elmo line, but nothing else.
The woman happily accepted his offer. He took her down to the line, explained her duties, and told her to report at 8:00 AM the next day.
The next day at 8:45 there was a knock at the personnel manager’s door. The Tickle Me Elmo line manager came in and started ranting about the woman who had just been hired. After listening to how badly backed up the assembly line was, the personnel manager suggested that the line manager show him the problem.
Together they went down to the line and, sure enough, Elmos were backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line was the woman who had just been hired. She had pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos, and had a big bag of marbles. They both watched as she cut a little piece of fabric, took two marbles, and started sewing them between Elmo’s legs.
The personnel manager started laughing uncontrollably. Finally, he pulled himself together, walked over to the new employee, and said, “I’m sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles.”
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A traveling salesman broke down on the bad side of town one evening after a long day of door-to-door sales. After calling AAA from a payphone, he decided to wait in for the tow truck in a nearby bar.
He sat down on a bar stool in the corner of the bar to quietly nurse his beer. Trying to mind his own business, he was shocked to look across the bar to find a very large, muscular sailor doing shots. While the sailor’s chest and arms were huge, the salesman was shocked to notice that his head was about as big as a grapefruit. Needless to say, he couldn’t help but stare.
Soon the sailor stood up from his stool and swaggered over to the salesman, who was shaking in his loafers. When he reached him, the sailor said, “I see you staring at my head over here.”
“N-no,” the salesman responds, “I wasn’t, really, I –”
“That’s okay,” the sailor said and sits down next to him. “I want to tell you my story. I was out at sea last year and there was a terrible storm. My ship was sunk, and everyone drowned but me. I struggled to stay afloat and managed to swim to the shore of a deserted island. I stayed there all alone for six months, eating coconuts and crabs. One morning I was woken up by screams coming from the lagoon. Running down there, I discovered a woman struggling in the thick seaweed. I ran down to the water, ripped the seaweed from her naked body, and pulled her up to the beach. She was a mermaid! I stood gawking at her for a while, and then she thanked me, offering to grant me three wishes. My first wish was to be back home before the end of the day. She said, ‘Okay.’ My second wish was to have a billion dollars so I would never have to go to sea again. She said, ‘Okay.’ Then I scratched my head and tried to think of something else. I said, ‘Well, since I don’t really need anything else, how about we have some sex?’ She smiled and wagged her fish tail at me. ‘Silly,’ she said, ‘look at me. I can’t have sex with you.’ I laughed and said, ‘Oh okay, then how about a little head?’”
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