Bald Jokes Websites
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow.”
“Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I’ll be all right…I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked him, “How does that feel?”
To which he replied, “It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”
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An 80 year old man went into the confessional and told the priest the following:
“Father, I am an 80 year old man, I’m married, I have 4 children and 11 grandchildren. Last night I strayed and had an affair with two 18 year old girls. We partied and made love all night long.”
The priest said, “My son, when was the last time you were at confession?”
The old man said, “I have never been to confession, I’m Jewish.”
The priest said, “Then why are you here telling me this?”
The old man said, “Father, I’m telling everyone!”
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A man walked into his backyard in a residential neighborhood one morning. He saw a 600 pound Gorilla sitting in his tree.He telephoned an emergency Gorilla Removal Service, and shortly a technician arrived with a stick, a pair of hand cuffs, a tiny Chihuahua, and a shotgun.
“Now listen carefully”, he told the homeowner. “I am going to climb the tree, and poke the Gorilla with this stick, until he falls to the ground. My trained Chihuahua will go right for the Gorilla’s testicles, and when the Gorilla instinctively crosses his hands over his testicles to protect himself, you slap on the hand cuffs without delay.”
“OK… got it,” the homeowner replied. “But what is the shotgun for?”
Said the technician… “If I should fall out of the tree before the Gorilla… SHOOT the Chihuahua!!!”
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A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”
The doctor says, “I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.”
The next week the lady comes back. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts…although still silent…stink terribly.”
The doctor says, “Good!!! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
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A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter.
He asks the first nun Sister Karen have you ever had any contact with a penis???
The nun giggles and replies, Well, once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.
St Peter says OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.
St Peter asks the next nun the same question Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis..
The nun is a little reluctant but reply’s Well I once fondled and stroked one..
St Peter says, OK dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate…
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns. One nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush???
The nun reply’s If I’m going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!!!
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