Animal Movie Jokes
A man walks into a bar and says “Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack”. The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says “Another”.
The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says “Another”.
As the bartender pours the third glass he says, “Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?”
The man says, “Ten years, ten years I’ve been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her.”
The bartender says “Geez, what did you say.”
The man says ” I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!”
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Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date’s door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.
“I’ll be ready in a few minutes,” she said. “Why don’t you play with Rollo while you’re waiting?” He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he’ll jump through.”
The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through — and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul’s date walked out.
“Isn’t Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you’ve ever seen?”
“To tell the truth, ” he replied, “Rollo seemed a little depressed to me!”
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A guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua decide to go to a restaurant and get something to eat.
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher replies, “Just follow my lead.”
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
“Sorry, Sir. No pets allowed,” announces the door man.
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The door man inquires, “A Doberman Pinscher?”
He responds, “Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good.”
The door man says, “Come on in.”
The guy with the Chihuahua thinks, “What the heck,” so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
“Sorry, pal, no pets allowed,” announces the door man.
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The door man inquires, “A Chihuahua?”
The guy with the Chihuahua replies, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”
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A lady approaches her priest and tells him “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?’”
“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship.”
“Thank you!” the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say “Hi we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?”
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!”
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In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city’s airport property.
It is illegal for hens to lay eggs before 8 am and after 4 pm in Norfolk, Virginia.
Ducks quacking after 10 pm in Essex Falls, New Jersey are breaking the law.
In Quitman, Georgia, it is against the law for a chicken to cross any road within the city limits.
In McDonald, Ohio, farmers cannot march a goose down a city street. And fowl, particularly roosters, are prohibited from going into bakeries in Massachusetts.
In Kansas, it is illegal for chicken thieves to work during daylight hours.
In New York, frogs may be taken from their ponds from June 16 to September 30, but only between sunrise and sunset.
In Pennsylvania, no one is allowed to shoot bullfrogs on a Sunday.
In Arizona, the bullfrog-hunting season is permanently closed.
In Vermont, you can be fined if your pig runs in a public park without the permission of a selectman.
French Lick Springs, Indiana, once passed a law requiring all black cats to wear bells on Friday the 13th.
Madison, Wisconsin, will not allow joint custody of a family pet when a couple divorces - the animal is legally awarded to whoever happens to have possession of it at the time of the initial separation.
Dogs in Foxpoint, Wisconsin, may not bark profusely, snarl, or make any menacing gestures.
In Texas, it’s illegal to put graffiti on someone else’s cow.
It is illegal to ride a mule down Lang, Kansas’ Main Street in August, unless the animal is wearing a straw hat.
Over in Berea, Kentucky and also in Willamantic, Connecticut, horses are not allowed out on the streets and highways at night unless the animal has a “bright” red taillight securely attached to its rump.
Horses may not wear cowbells inside the city limits of Tahoe City, California.
In Washington, though, every cow wandering the streets of Seattle must be wearing a cowbell.
In Burns, Oregon, horses are allowed in the town’s taverns, if an admission fee is paid before they enter.
You can’t blow your nose in public places in Leahy, Washington, because it might scare a horse and cause it to panic.
In Wanassa, New Jersey, a dog is breaking the law if it is heard to be “crying.”
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